We have always been told to identify our strengths and weaknesses and work on those weaknesses to become a well-rounded person. But isn’t that an exhausting way to do things? Wouldn’t it be better to focus on our strengths instead? Samantha Postman shares this epiphany of hers with Dr. Ayomide Adebayo in this second part of their conversation, which also leads to a number of very interesting deep dives. Among other topics, you’d be amazed just how much a tax accountant like Samantha has in common with a psychologist like Dr. Ayomide. They also talk about cultural metaphors, relationships, and so much more! Join in for a fascinating conversation that opens your eyes to a slew of bold perspectives on things that really matter.

Show Notes:
01:01 – On Strengths, Being a Well-Rounded Person and the Courage to Take on an Unpredictable Journey
06:49 – Different Personalities as a Creator and the Confidentiality Defaults of Some Professions
12:17 – The Challenges and Blessing of Having Your Loved Ones as Your Audience as a Creator
15:48 – The Paradox of Dancing on Pseudonyms and Identities
22:25 – The Surprising Psychology in Tax Accounting
41:41 – The Power of Metaphors, Dance as a Culture Differentiator, Cryptic of Language, Different Versions of You, and Healthy Relationships

⬅️ Part 1: Conversations About Culture, the #MeTooMovement and Diversity With Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

➡️ Part 3: Drawing and Photography as Therapy With Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

Listen to the podcast here:

Being a Well-Rounded Person, Cultural Metaphors, and Relationships With Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

On Strengths, Being a Well-Rounded Person and the Courage to Take on an Unpredictable Journey

Samantha: Thanks for joining us again. We’re in the second part of our conversation with Dr. Ayomide Adebayo. We’re dropping some great knowledge bombs. On this episode, we are going to cover our strengths, about how being a well-rounded person is important, and the courage to take on an unpredictable journey. We’re also going to talk about different personalities as a creator and the confidential defaults of some professions given that both me and my guest have been in professions with extreme confidentiality requirements. Also, we’re going to jump over to talking about what it’s like to be a creator, and the challenges and blessings of having our loved ones as an audience. There are challenges and blessings in that. We’re also going to talk about something we call the Paradox of Dancing. Also a little insight to what it was like for me as a tax accountant for many years, and the learned psychology of what I learned about the world through being a tax accountant. Stay tuned and I hope you love it as much as we do.

Samantha: I’m letting people down. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. There are all little things we do in society. They say, “Don’t start something you can’t finish,” so we keep people from starting things. I did my Master’s when I was 40. We did this leadership and development course. I have a Master’s in Seminary degree. We did leadership and development that ran concurrently for two years. We had to do this book called Strength Based Leadership. It’s not even a Christian author but it’s so good because it has you go through a questionnaire and figure out what your top five talents are. When you’re putting teams together, it puts your talents into four categories.

For any of you that don’t know, what it does is it recognizes your talent and other people’s talents so when you’re building a team together or doing something, you bring people in who are strong where you’re not. This was a groundbreaking epiphany for me because I have an undergrad business degree. We were taught to identify our strengths and weaknesses and work on our weaknesses so we become well-rounded person. I realized that when you’re focusing on your weaknesses, it’s exhausting. It takes us 100 times longer to do it. We hate our life and we end up not even doing what we like anymore.

Dr. Ayomide: You keep failing, which is great.

Samantha: My son was in school at the time when I had this epiphany, he did good in social class but he struggled like crazy in Math. Because he was spending so much time on his Math, his social grade was going way down almost to a fail rate. He’s like, “I’m stupid.” He felt bad about himself, his self-esteem went up and he was insecure. I took this class and we moved him into a Math class that was of his level and his social grade went up over 80.

That’s the exact reason why when you put people where their strengths are, they’re going to strive. It’s easy, fun and they can do it fast. It gives them a reason for living and purpose. We have to bounce in our steps when we’re doing things that we’re naturally talented in. That was the epiphany for me. What are you talented in? What I realized is one of my talents is ideation, coming up with ideas, being strategic and analytical. At the end of the day, I’m an idea generator. I come up with ideas. My strength is building up ideas and coming up with new ideas or revised solutions for old problems.

I had to own it. In the past, that’s considered ADD. I’ve started a ton of projects. I put my life into it for 2 to 5 years. I built a team up and let them run with it. In some worlds, if you start it, you’ve got to finish it. I’m not the sustainer. That’s another person’s job. When I’m bringing stuff up, I hear this negative voice in my head that’s been telling me for years, “Don’t start something you can’t finish. It doesn’t show good character. People won’t respect you. You’re setting people up for failure.” All these things in my head go on. When I read the Strength Based Leadership, I’m like, “We need people to come up with the ideas and other people need someone else to come up with the idea to continue on. When I’m talking about the #MeToo, this is me saying, “I’m going to start a conversation.” I’m a first paragraph person. I’m the person who says, “I’ll start the first paragraph and it’s your job to finish the story.”

I'm a first paragraph person. I'm the person who says, “I'll start the first paragraph and it’s your job to finish the story.” Click To Tweet

Dr. Ayomide: You’re like the prophet. The prophet doesn’t fix things.

Samantha: I have solutions sometimes.

Dr. Ayomide: The prophet can’t say solutions but they don’t execute. That’s my point.

Samantha: Sometimes I do execute or I’ll be at the beginning of execution.

Dr. Ayomide: It’s the idea that because you say something you have to be responsible to see through. That’s why we’re all here.

Samantha: That’s the response I’ve had on Twitter. Honestly, I wanted to cry. I’ve been getting quite a bit of encouragement to say, “Post this on LinkedIn. Start putting this on more platforms.” I’m like, “I don’t know. Is this my hill to die on? Is this going to kill me? Are they going to steer my ship for the next five years?” One guy, Alex Iglecia, writes on there. He goes, “Maybe you were the one to plant the seeds, Samantha?” I was like, “I love my Twitter Tribe.”

Dr. Ayomide: If it’s not your hill to die on, you can always back off. I don’t think that should be a reason not to start because you don’t know. You might put it in and nothing will happen. Maybe 1 or 2 people see it and that might be the spark that they need. Maybe that’s enough. If he blows up and somebody says, “You need to write a book on this,” no is always there. No is always a valid answer and you can always go, “This one, I don’t mind. I’m not doing it anymore. This is as far as I go.”

Samantha: It’s a little bit layered. There’s another reason why I’m a little cautious to bring this up and some of the things. Everything that I write, I also go through this lens. It’s not only Facebook or Instagram. All of us do this. I know that even as a professional, you’re like, “What do I write online? Is this going to be something my boss sees? Is this going to reflect poorly on my workplace?” We do put walls around ourselves. It’s good for us as humans to be cautious and careful with other people’s reputations because it’s not all about us. What happened was in 2020, the Canadian government put out an SOS and said, “We are looking for submissions for strategic ideas about how to restart the economy. The way to do it was through a budget proposal.”

I have never done this before. It was a public offering. Anyone can do it. I probably spent hundreds of hours compiling a Proposal that I submitted to the Canadian Federal Finance Senate Committee. It’s publicly posted online and it was read by the Senate Committee with an idea on how to regenerate and get the economy restarted again in Canada. I want to be taken seriously as a professional because my ideas have some validity to them and I’ve got good feedback from nonprofit organizations. I’m a little nervous. If I start talking about the #MeToo Movement or what I posted about the effects of the mat leave in Canada and how that’s affecting women in the workplace negatively. I’m like, “Is all my proposal for the good of all Canada going to be looked at differently? Are they going to look at this woman and go, ‘She’s just a wavemaker?’” I don’t want one thing that is important to suffer for another important thing.

Different Personalities as a Creator and the Confidentiality Defaults of Some Professions

Dr. Ayomide: This is hard. This is the other reason why I was interested in that. You’re bringing that up. I’ll give you this from a medical perspective as well because I’m in medicine and that’s not the thing you write about. Confidentiality is massive in medicine. If you can imagine, even more in psychiatry. I like to joke that psychiatrists are the one set of doctors that no one is going to say outside, “That’s my doctor.” You know how people are like, “That’s my cardiologist.” People say that. You talked about your doctor. I’m sure if we’re somewhere in the same physical space and he was there, you would happily point them out to me.

Samantha: Not your psychiatrist, though.

Dr. Ayomide: You might not need a psychiatrist.

Samantha: It’s like, “How do you know each other?”

Dr. Ayomide: You might hold back a little bit.

Samantha: “We happen to be in the same room once a week together.”

Dr. Ayomide: This is random. I had an experience where a patient saw me in public. I didn’t remember the patient, unfortunately. I needed additional science to jog my memory and they couldn’t because the one thing that would have worked was the one thing they didn’t want to see. They don’t want to say, “I met you at hospital X,” which was a psychiatric hospital. I’m not saying, “Thank you very much,” but I didn’t know what else to say. You kept repeating. I can’t remember what it was now and I finally clocked it out, “I remember now,” because I was looking at someone I met. I saw them. That was hilarious. That came up with that joke, “You’re the one doctor that nobody is going to publicly own.”

The Surprising Psychology in Tax Accounting

Samantha: I could totally see that. I don’t know that I would do that either. I have done a little bit with tax too. I had a lot of clients. In one year, I did 940 tax returns in 2.5 months so that’s 940 people that I saw. When I see them in Costco, people are like, “How do you know that person?” I’m like, “That’s my client.” Honestly, we do non-confidentiality. Unless they brought it up and introduced me as it, I never said it. I do get that but not at the level that you have but it was hard sometimes to see.

Dr. Ayomide: I can’t say that. I don’t think any doctor would own their clients. Clients often would have been happy to own their doctors.

Samantha: You have to let the other person take the first lead on it and what they’re comfortable with.

Dr. Ayomide: They would own their therapists a bit more, but probably not psychiatry. Psychiatry has a different feel to it. I totally get it. I don’t know if I would if it was me.

Samantha: You might not think of this, but that information that’s revealed in that conversation, let’s say in a year from now they’re going through a divorce and they happen to be friends with the wife, and you’re treating the husband. The next thing on the divorce agreement says, “He’s going to a psychiatrist and is mentally incapacitated.” It came simply through an innocent conversation where they introduced you as a psychiatrist and that comes back on them later.

BP 6 | Well Rounded Person
Well-Rounded Person: There is a self that you want to be. What the internet gives us is the freedom and the chance to remake ourselves.

Dr. Ayomide: It was interesting to me because I’m figuring out my different lives or my different faces and how I exist on the internet. It’s something that I struggled with from the start because I started online. I started writing online before I became a doctor, but I started writing actively online by the time I was already a doctor. It was funny because I remember when I started, there wasn’t any of that guidance. This was the Wild West of the online world at the time.

Samantha: You’re speaking of Western Canadian. I live in the Wild West.

Dr. Ayomide: It was crazy. You probably won’t remember what I’m talking about. There weren’t any rules for those of us who jumped on early on to these things. People were sent to do things in the US. I used to go online and read guidance from the US and UK because, in Nigeria, there weren’t many rules. In the US and UK, we were still figuring this stuff out. Nobody told me in medical school what to do when patients send you friend requests on Facebook. They teach them that now, but they weren’t teaching it then because it wasn’t a thing.

Samantha: I told him how many clients I had. It wasn’t Facebook back that year. Even now, I still get Facebook requests from clients and sometimes old clients. At tax season, they might be thinking about us.

Dr. Ayomide: You don’t have to accept it but then it’s like, “If I say no, would that look weird? I don’t know what to do.”

Samantha: It’s not like we have this handbook.

Dr. Ayomide: There’s no guidance. There’s nothing. It was crazy.

Samantha: At least we have LinkedIn. LinkedIn has helped me that way because it’s super inappropriate for a male client to friend request me on Facebook. Not as much now, but when Facebook first started, that was inappropriate. Now, they can connect with me through LinkedIn. I’m happy to have that extra way.

Dr. Ayomide: At least you’re the official face.

Samantha: Facebook would be okay now but years ago, it wouldn’t have been okay. Twitter is all out the window. I don’t even think twice about whether it’s a male or female, their age or anything. We follow people without permission so anyone can follow us. We don’t need to ask permission as you do on Facebook or LinkedIn.

Dr. Ayomide: It’s about your idea. It’s not about relations and connections.

Samantha: I heard that LinkedIn might be changing to follow instead of connect but I’m not 100% sure.

Dr. Ayomide: It’s the little things. I remember my mom signed up for my newsletter. This was a few years ago. I was like, “It’s fine. It’s your mom and you’re old. What are you hiding?”

Samantha: Let’s talk about what happened in your mind. What went through your mind when she signed up? A common thing that creators have to work through is when one of their parents reads their book.

Dr. Ayomide: I watched a documentary on Netflix about Biggie, the Notorious BIG. It was talking about when his mom listened to one of his records. He’s like, “Mom, why listen to my records? Don’t listen to my records.” She never listened to them except once after he died, unfortunately. I said, “Listen to it once and never again.” It was the way it was coming from. There’s a self you want to be. It’s like when you go off to school as a kid or go off to uni and there’s this freedom you have. This is my chance to remake myself. That’s what the internet gives us.

This is your chance to remake yourself again at an age when you probably already felt like you can’t. Suddenly, someone from the other life shows up and it’s like, “I don’t know. Can I still be this self?” I remember thinking, “I’m going to ignore it. It’s fine.” It was interesting because I realized that she never read my writing. She has seen bits and pieces of it and every now and then she would tell me about someone who read something I wrote and said it was nice and stuff. That always makes me feel so good. She never actively read my stuff. I’ve shown her a couple of things here and there, but she’s seen all my essays, newsletters and everything. She responds by email. I always thought that it was thoughtful.

“Money problems are life problems. When you solve people’s money problems, you’re actually improving their lives very tangibly. ” Click To Tweet

Samantha: My mom does the same thing when I did this proposal for the Senate Committee. What I was proposing is that they give a refund for charitable donations instead of a non-refundable tax credit to stimulate the economy. I’ve made some arguments in there about how it will restimulate the economy and save it. I wrote it and posted about it on Facebook. My mom goes and reposts it. She sends it to every single one of her friends about this. She’s so proud that I submitted an official budget to the Senate Finance Committee, which is a big deal.

Later, I was asking her something and I don’t even think she read it. Her friends would be like, “Samantha, your mom sent me your budget proposal and asked me something about it. I don’t think she read it.” Maybe she read the first paragraph and was like, “Sounds good to me.” Do you know who makes me more nervous now that I realized that my mom is not reading or listening to everything? My in-laws. They’re probably reading this, but they read and listen to it all. They’re the greatest people ever. All of a sudden, I feel like I have to filter myself to be sensitive to them or to not offend them. It’s so much mind games that I can’t express freely because I’m so busy putting up roadblocks everywhere.

Dr. Ayomide: I’ve never talked about this out loud. This is so interesting to me. I feel listening to you talk and thinking about it, you and I have the same questions. How am I dealing with them? They realized that they have a rough framework that I’ve never articulated.

Samantha: Let’s hear it. It’s super fun. That’s what I love about these conversations. The organic stuff that comes in the middle is the sweet stuff. We’re caught getting consciousness in there and we need a place to articulate it, process it and make it beautiful.

Dr. Ayomide: My rough framework, I’m going to try and articulate it and I might stumble a little bit but we have a dance. One of the things that I learned while talking to a patient’s relatives is it’s like a dance. I already know the patient and I have a relationship with them. With relatives, it’s usually my first time. I don’t know them. They are not going to be happy. That’s why they’re calling because they’re not happy about something. Instead, I’m figuring out how to dance with this person. I don’t know what the music is going to be like. I don’t know what kind of dance it’s going to be, so I’m going to have to learn the dance on the go. I like the dance metaphor because there’s freedom and lightness to it, but there’s also a skill involved. Dance is a weird thing. It’s something you have to do skillfully but relaxed, at the same time, there’s a very wide tension. That’s how I think about this. I’ve considered going with pseudonymous, which is one way to solve all of this. I straight-up considered pseudonymous.

Samantha: You’re thinking about using a pseudonym.

Dr. Ayomide: I’m not going to but I’ve thought about it because that’s one way to deal with these things. There are people who either depend on their comfort level or the sensitivity of whatever they’re going to talk about. That’s probably the best thing to do because they don’t need to think about this anymore. You don’t tell anybody except your lawyer what you’re doing. Be free and you can write whatever.

Samantha: I don’t know that that’s totally true because there are so many good people who are good at finding identities.

Dr. Ayomide: What I realized is most people don’t care enough, except if you hurt the government or something. If you want to take it that far, you can get that and go crazy with it, whatever. It works on a basic level. I know a couple of people who do stuff like that. I chose not to do it. Some of it is like the dance. That’s the metaphor. One angle of it is faith-related. I love CS Lewis. He’s the most influential writer for me, hands down. There’s no contest. One of the things that happened when I discovered CS Lewis was I used to give people CS Lewis’s books to read. I had a bunch of CS Lewis at the time that my aunt gave me for my 25th birthday and I would lend them out to people. They do not understand this. It’s too complicated.

I was like, “How is this complicated? This is the simplest thing ever.” I realized that lots of people, whatever they were reading wasn’t that philosophical thoughtful stuff or what I thought was clear English. It was fairly old but I love the classics. For some reason, people found it difficult. When I started my writing, I tried to write to do for people what they did for me or something like that. I want to take things, explore them and be confident. I feel like that’s what you’re doing. The things that you’re engaging in are massive, funny and sensitive issues. What I decided I wanted to do, which he did so well is, “How do I write about this and be true and sensitive at the same time?”

It’s so interesting because I’m on a bunch of WhatsApp groups. Every now and then, on one of the groups that I’m on, someone talks about all these liberals. I’m like, “Won’t people make blah, blah.” I find it fascinating because I hear you and you’re ranting, but it’s interesting to me because I listen to a lot of that stuff. Not necessarily because I agree with all of it but because it helps me figure out how to dance. The point is sometimes people complain about what they think of as workers. What they’re saying is, “I don’t want to have to dance. I don’t want to have to think about what I want to say. I want to say whatever.”

The truth is, why should you say, whatever? Why should you not care about what people think and how people feel? If you’re going to communicate something, should you not want to communicate it in a way that says what you want to say, but don’t say what you don’t want to say? I get that not everyone would like it. Why I’ve kept doing it is because I love the challenge. I love to dance and I love figuring out how to see difficult things. I love my writing. I wrote something that was about exploring Original Sin. If Christianity has truth in it, they should explain it without resorting to religious shorthand.

Samantha: We’ve got Christianese.

The Paradox of Dancing on Pseudonyms and Identities

Dr. Ayomide: What’s powerful about Original Sin for me is that it says that there’s something broken about us and at the same time, there’s something different about us and we live with this paradox. Original Sin is the idea of the broken parts.

“There's something broken about us. And at the same time, there's something divine about us. We live with this paradox. ” @DocAyomide via @SamanthaPostman Click To Tweet

Samantha: We’re meant to live in the tension to that.

Dr. Ayomide: I wrote this essay which was about me saying, “You cannot unlock the goodness of your potential for good if you do not acknowledge your potential for evil and chaos.” How do you say that? Figuring out how to say that is what I enjoy. That fits with what I’ve done with work. As a psychiatrist, how do I see things that are true or ask questions that are important but without being a jerk, which I don’t intend to do? Without also holding back when I need to land.

Samantha: Without being counterproductive is the key. Sometimes, we can say something that we’re meant to do that’s constructive and productive but could be counterproductive if not delivered in an appropriate way for the person who’s in charge of that. You were talking about dancing a lot. This is where we’re connecting. You and I have developed a skill simply because of our occupation. For you, hundreds of people are coming in and for a second, you have to figure out how to talk about sensitive issues in a quick way.

You only have an hour or however long you have with them, which is pretty short. You have to make a pretty quick assessment about an appropriate way to be with them. That’s going to be productive and will serve them. I used to have this in taxes. People are agitated when they’re doing their taxes. Nobody wants to pay. Everyone is afraid and it’s the worst time for them. They’re upset. A vasectomy might be less stressful than getting your taxes done if you think you owe a lot. I’m not a male so maybe you shouldn’t use that example. Sorry, guys.

Dr. Ayomide: I love how you got from taxes to vasectomy. That’s the entire spectrum of human problems.

Samantha: That’s a total rabbit trail. I’m going to tell you something super embarrassing to have paid during tax season and it made me think of it because I happen to say vasectomy. When I did taxes, I had to enter people’s medicals. I’m a teacher. I’m an educator at heart. I’m making sure that people understood what I was doing with their taxes and I wanted them to be educated so they could make smart decisions through the year that served them well. It also makes it easier for me when they come back the next year. I would always explain how the rules work that were pertinent to them because people only care about the rules that apply to that and not all the rules.

Dr. Ayomide: That’s a good distinction. I like that.

Samantha: They don’t need to know all the tax rules, just the ones that are appropriate for them or serve them. I was explaining medical expenses to this guy. In Canada, you can claim your medical expenses as a deduction. It’s the same as in almost any country. In Canada, we do something cool. You can claim any twelve-month period that ends in the taxation year. How do you explain that to someone? You can move that twelve months. For 2020 taxes, you could go from December 1st, 2019 until November 30th, 2020, as long as one day falls in the tax year.

What I used to have with clients is sometimes they’d have a high medical expense in December from 2019. When they tried to claim it, it wasn’t enough to claim or didn’t make a big enough impact. I would be strategic and I’d be like, “We’re going to keep that December high one and we’ll add it to your next year so we can claim it on your next year’s tax return. We’ll optimize your refund for your tax savings.”

I had an older guy in my office and I was trying to explain this concept to him. I’m like, “For example, let’s go through your medical and I’ll show you what I mean.” I pull out his medicals and all of his prescriptions. I randomly put my finger on one, and this is a guy I know, I used to work for him so this is even more embarrassing. You probably know where this is going. I landed my finger on his prescriptions. I was like, “For example, here’s a big one that you had in December and it’s Viagra.” He turns red.

Dr. Ayomide: You could pick anything else. Why this?

Samantha: I didn’t even notice when I entered his taxes because I don’t look at all the prescriptions. I see thousands of them.

Dr. Ayomide: You don’t care.

Samantha: No, and honestly, I’m not going to look at people’s prescriptions. I was like, “Of all the ones that stick your finger on with a guy you know.” I used to work for him.

Dr. Ayomide: He must have been so red.

Samantha: It’s a dance like what you were saying. I had to get my composure quickly and pretend I didn’t even notice. I kept going and didn’t even know if I paused. I’m a fast processor and I was like, “Oh shit.” It’s a good story.

Dr. Ayomide: Way to put your foot in it.

Samantha: I honestly could write volumes of these things that happened in my office, which you probably could too. That was my side note that I think about. In a quick moment, I had to learn how to pivot quickly.

Dr. Ayomide: You didn’t moves and almost falls. How do I catch them? Without the crowd noticing that he made a mistake.

Samantha: What I learned in taxes is how to interview people without them even knowing that I’m interviewing them. We used to be like, “Did you move? Did you have any children? Did your mom move in with you?” It was all these mechanical questions that half of them don’t even apply to you. When someone comes in after so many people, the more we’re with people, the more we can predict who they are. Even their mannerisms, how they stand, sit on this chair, who sits where, what order they sit, and how to put their body language. It’s stuff that we pick up without even knowing it. They would come in and sit down and I can tell if they’re agitated and different things.

I would ask them questions and it’s a dance, “What happened with you? Were there any big things that happened this year?” They think I’m interested in what’s going on in their life. I’m so curious about people so this is easy for me. Not that I’m nosy but I’m curious about the way people click inside. What makes them tick? What made them tick that way? I would sit there and I’d be like, “Any big things happened this year?” They’re like, “My mom moved in with us this year. It’s been quite a bit of an adjustment.” I’m like, “I could see how that would definitely change your world. Did you know that there’s a tax break? It’s called a Caregiver Amount for when your mom moves in.” I discovered a tax break that I wouldn’t have if I’d skipped the questions or skipped the interview process.

Dr. Ayomide: This is like medical clerking. I didn’t know it had so much in common with tax.

Samantha: I seriously put marriages back together in my office and I should have hung up a shingle that said, “Tax, Accountant, Psychologist, Psychiatrist,” because sometimes I would recommend medical treatments because so many clients told me about what drugs work well. They’re like, “There’s this new drug that’s out. It’s called Wellbutrin. You should try it.” When a client comes in, I’d be like, “One of my other clients tried Wellbutrin. Maybe you should ask about it.”

Dr. Ayomide: Fixing taxes, among other things.

Samantha: If you know their financials, you could hear anything. I got good at it. I got good at listening, solutions and strategy while serving taxes. Unfortunately, the longer I had them, the more time it took, but I couldn’t charge them more because there’s so much personal blending that went on. I was a daughter to some people after years of doing taxes. I used to have a couple in front of me and I know that he’s dying soon. I’m like, “It looks like the husband has cancer.” I have to start making plans. I’m doing them a disservice by not saying straight up, “When he passes, you need to be prepared.”

No one else does this. My dad died of cancer in November 2020 and they should have talked about a lot of things that they didn’t, but it’s a little different with my parents as that would be a client. Had they been my clients coming in, I would have said, “It’s time to repair. We need to go back over your will.” I’m talking about a sensitive subject and I have to learn how to say it in a way that’s going to be productive. I’m not going to have a nervous breakdown where they can’t be a part of the solution. I got to do that and I loved it.

I loved helping them prepare. If they didn’t prepare, they weren’t my clients. I happen to get the widow after and I’m helping her. I promise you, it’s not taxes. I’m helping her process, “One of the kids is upset because he didn’t get enough. This one owed money and that one didn’t. This one is saying this about their dad.” It all comes out because finances are integrated. There’s nothing in a human that’s barely not somewhat finance-related in many ways. I had to do a lot of dancing. I learned how to do it and if I can do it with anything. You probably can do that. I meet somebody new on the street and everything I learned and in all those people is muscle memory now.

Well-Rounded Person: When you do something long enough, it becomes muscle memory. You become good at that skill.

Dr. Ayomide: That’s dancing and it becomes that skill. You become good at it.

Samantha: You’re like, “They said this or they’re reacting this way, I need to shift over here.” I didn’t think of it the way that you did and call it a dance. It makes it beautiful. I’m rerunning different scenarios that I used to have in my office. I was dancing. I loved my job, honestly.

Dr. Ayomide: I can tell. It’s so obvious. It’s the way you light up when you talk about it. You definitely do.

Samantha: You might have this too but there’s hardly anything more satisfying especially creatively because you feel like this. I creatively solved something that was complicated. Sometimes, it was the difference between a senior couple being able to afford a new hot water tank that was going to put them under. They’re going to have to sell their house because they couldn’t afford it.

Dr. Ayomide: Money problems are life problems.

Samantha: That’s a good way to say it.

Dr. Ayomide: When you’re solving that problem, you’re improving their lives tangibly.

Samantha: It was rewarding. I heard the coolest stories and got some of the coolest things. You get to see the result. I got flowers and chocolates. The next year, they come in and tell me how something made an impact on their life because they got an extra $4,000 that they weren’t expecting or found some little area to work in that we could negotiate for them. Sometimes, I helped them with their government papers, which was beyond my job. I even had a couple that was sponsoring their family from Iran. That was about a year process and beyond the scope of my job. How cool was that when his parents got to come and join them? I got to be part of that whole journey. It was so amazing.

Dr. Ayomide: This is interesting because I don’t think anyone thinks of the tax person. It’s an emotional way of describing but it makes sense and I get it. It’s so nice. It changes everything.

Samantha: I was a doctor with numbers.

Dr. Ayomide: People would jokingly call you the bean counters and all that but it’s so much more.

BP 6 | Well Rounded Person
Well-Rounded Person: There is something about Western folks that make them tend to view reality in a disembodied way.

Samantha: It’s different for everyone. In general, somebody who’s only an accountant is a little different from somebody who does tax because tax is a crossover between law and accounting. There’s a different way of thinking. It’s funny because I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. I wanted to be a princess after Princess Diana, but I found out that I couldn’t unless I married a prince.

Dr. Ayomide: There aren’t a lot of vacancies for that.

Samantha: I was the ugly duckling growing up so for me to pretend to want to be a princess, my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. When I was in grade six, we were asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I stood up and said, “I want to be a princess.” The whole class looked at me and started laughing. True story.

Dr. Ayomide: That couldn’t have been a good moment.

Samantha: It was horrid.

Dr. Ayomide: It was encouraging.

Samantha: After that, I decided to be a lawyer. I ended up going into business and accounting. I ended up in tax and I finally realized a few years ago that it’s a crossover between accounting and law. I’m good with numbers.

Dr. Ayomide: I know there should be psychology as well.

Samantha: You need an interest in humans in general, but I was better at my job because I could read people well.

Dr. Ayomide: It shows.

Samantha: I missed some of them. There’s a lot of stories in there. Some people I journeyed for years. I had my own practice at the end. Sometimes when I had seniors that were shut-ins, I would go to their homes and pick up their taxes and it’d be someone I’d had for fifteen years. I’ve seen them in the prime of life. They’re deteriorating and walk into their home and see what their life was like. I would do that for years and come back. They would share their hardships like what’s going on with their families. I even had one lady whose husband had passed away and I stayed for many hours consoling her. She ended up sharing with me a tragic story of something that happened in her childhood that she had told me she never told one person her entire life. It was huge. I did way more than taxes.

Dr. Ayomide: You’re almost like a therapist at this point.

Samantha: It is definitely a crossover. There’s confidentiality that’s there so they feel they can be confidential. There’s hardly anything more vulnerable than finances at least in the Western developed world.

Dr. Ayomide: I can’t believe you’ve not written an essay about this. Maybe you’ll want to. I feel like you have so many stories to tell here.

Samantha: I’m a slow writer. My disease left me with bad arthritis and also, I was pre-computer age in school. I didn’t learn to type well, so that’s an issue. I don’t type well.

Dr. Ayomide: There’s Otter though.

Samantha: I do Otter quite a bit but then there’s so much work. I’m a much faster speaker. I think better on my feet when I speak. All those years doing taxes is talking. That’s why I’m leaning toward the show. This will be my essay. What’s coming to your mind? What do you want to talk about next?

Dr. Ayomide: One of the things we’re thinking about, which I’m too crossly fit from your end as well, like the games we play with ourselves in terms of how we present ourselves to the world. You talked about the fact that people are often talking to themselves. Sometimes, they happen to be talking to themselves. In that space, you have to be physically present and you insert yourself in and get hit by whatever they’re throwing out. It wasn’t directed at you. It’s not about you. They walked in through their emotional stuff. I’m thinking about how you navigate this. I’ve talked about dancing as one of the ways I play those games. You talked about the whole thing of having success and how people will want to use it to pull you and turn it into a leash.

Samantha: Steer your ship.

Dr. Ayomide: You got me thinking about games and the ways we play games. There’s this guy on Twitter. I don’t know if you know him, but he’s always talking a lot about play. Every time I think about play, I think of him. Play and engage in reality. It got me thinking about the fact that you can play to enjoy the game or you can play to win. There’s a thin line because there’s a level to which you can play to win, but it’s to enjoy. The winning just adds stakes to it. If you lose, it’s like, “I lost. Let’s play again.” It’s not like, “I lost. This is horrible. I must win.” That’s why I like the dance metaphor because I feel like that focuses more on the enjoying parts.

“You can play to win or you can play to enjoy the game. It’s all about enjoying the game. Winning just adds sticks to it. ” @DocAyomide via @SamanthaPostman Click To Tweet

Samantha: The dance metaphor works well for you because you were from a culture where dance is a huge part of it so you have a visualization of it. It’s easy for you to see a body moving compared to somebody else based on how other people move, the rhythm of the room and the people involved. Westerners wouldn’t necessarily think of that metaphor as quickly. I don’t know if you know this but why do people can’t dance in general? I can say because I’m white.

Dr. Ayomide: I’ve seen it sometimes.

Samantha: I went to South America. We were in the Dominican for a while. We were all lined up and the music is on. I swear Latinos have a hinge in their hip. As the music is on in the background, it’s slipping. I’m like, “I can’t do that,” but my shoulders and everything wants to go.”

Dr. Ayomide: I have a theory around this. This is a whole rabbit hole so I probably shouldn’t go too far deep into it. I think a little bit about it. It’s an embodiment of the situation. I don’t think it’s so much that white people can’t dance. There’s something about Western folks that views reality in a decent-bodied way even for something as basic as prayer, for instance. I grew up seeing people pray as a whole-body experience not standing. I don’t think it is better. I’m saying that there’s a difference in a lot of Western prayers even in Nigeria. There are Western churches like Anglican churches. Prayer is quiet. That’s not how the rest of the people pray.

Samantha: It’s considered reverent.

Dr. Ayomide: It’s easy for us but it’s not real.

Samantha: We could have a whole conversation about this. Generally, European descent North Americans who come from Europe.

The Power of Metaphors, Dance as a Culture Differentiator, Cryptic of Language, Different Versions of You, and Healthy Relationships

Dr. Ayomide: It goes back to Descartes. It’s separating the mind from the body. My thinking is what defines me and it’s not me like my body. We physicalize emotions. For instance, in Nigeria, people who are Western exposed or educated would not normally come and say, “I’m depressed.” They would say, “I’m not sleeping well. I’m not eating well.” You would figure out why they were depressed but they all had these symptoms of depression. It wasn’t how people would present it.

More Western people would talk about the end goal, “I’m depressed. I’m feeling unhappy.” I’ll never forget this old lady I saw who was in her 70s or 80s. I can’t remember her age but she was quite elderly. She couldn’t speak English so we had this conversation in Yoruba and she said, “Which language is my name from?” I’ll say it in English. Initially, she said she couldn’t sleep well. When I realized that she was depressed. I started to ask depression questions. She was like, “Yes.” She was thinking about dying and she’s unhappy. She has anhedonia which is a loss of pleasure or you’re feeling pressured.

I can remember how I asked. I said, “I can see anhedonia.” I tried to ask her if she was losing pleasure. She was like, “Yes, doctor. All the salt and sugar and honey are gone from my life.” That’s how she said it. It’s so vivid and graphic. It was such a perfect description of, “There is no flavor in my life anymore.” She didn’t like that. She said that it is culturally normal. That’s a concrete metaphorical use of language. “I saw in my life that I don’t have pleasure,” that’s how she was going to say it. She’s like, “There’s no salt, sugar or honey in my life.” It’s how she would say, “I don’t feel pleasure.” It’s the same thing.

Samantha: It’s a very rich description. It serves a conversation better than what we have in English. It reminds me of when we say, “I’m frustrated. I’m depressed.” Frustrated could be 100 different directions. It doesn’t say anything. It’s the same thing with, “I’m depressed.” Did you lack pleasure? Are you not sleeping? Did you lose your job? Whereas someone said, “I’m losing sleep over losing sleep?” That conversation can get direct quickly.

What’s going on? Is it your family situation, work situation or whatever? That serves well. In English, we’re so cryptic about everything and we lack metaphors. Some people say it’s partially because of English especially North American English. We had so many people who come from many cultures that those metaphors didn’t go straight across. If she was to say that, people wouldn’t necessarily get the same picture. We dropped a lot of those metaphors because people don’t understand them.

Dr. Ayomide: There are still a lot of metaphors but a lot of them are second order like languages. My first experience at a medical center said to me how metaphorical I would do, something like a spur of the moment. Most people don’t realize a spur of the moment is a reference to a horse pose or cowboys’ pose. The metaphor is there but it’s in the 2nd or 3rd order. We don’t recognize that it will be metaphorical anymore. It’s almost like what’s happening.

Samantha: I find that, in general, especially traveling around the world and coming back into Canada and seeing my culture from different eyes again. As I was saying with clients, what was cool is I got to see the world from totally different eyes all the time. Think about 936 or something like that in 2.5 months. I got to see the world through 936 people’s eyes in 2.5 months. I’ve got to do it all over again a year later and a year later. Some of these repeated people, I could see the world through their eyes years later. When I come into the culture or go back in a culture, it’s somewhat like that too. We’re closed and controlled.

For white people, it’s closed in many ways. What I enjoy about people from many other cultures, especially when I go south or when I’m in Africa. I’ve never been to Africa yet. It’s how vibrant and out of the world they are. When you talk about the way they pray, it’s everything. We could talk quite a bit more about that because I’ve got some ideas about how language influences it, our environment and everything else. I want to go back to what we were going to talk about.

Dr. Ayomide: I got off the wheel.

Samantha: That’s all right. That’s the fun stuff. What I was thinking about was a CS Lewis quote. It was something that he wrote and because you’re a CS Lewis fan it’ll resonate with you. I may not do it service because I’m pulling this from my memory right now. If I remember correctly, CS Lewis wrote this in a letter. There was a group of men. Do you remember all of their names?

Dr. Ayomide: I know JRR Tolkien and Charles Williams were there. The Inklings.

Samantha: There’s a group of men, which is what you normally get. It’s a group of friends that were close. One of them had died. I thought it was George, but I’m not 100% sure. There was something that he was lamenting about that resonated with me and it sat with me. What he says is, “I miss in him what he brought out in the rest of the group.”

Dr. Ayomide: That was the four loops. I can’t remember but I know what you’re talking about. I have experienced that with people before. You have A, B and C. When C is not even necessarily there, there’s something about A that you will never see again because it only came up because of C.

Samantha: If people couldn’t follow that, I’ll give an example. I was saying that I’m a tax specialist. I was super young and in my second year when I got promoted to management. It happened right away. I got moved into the main office, which was a pretty big deal. It was a big undertaking for me. I was young with people who’ve been working there for a long time. Males didn’t love taking leadership from young females at the time. That’s easier for them now. This was years ago and I was proving myself.

Dr. Ayomide: There’s still a bit of it.

Samantha: Not as much as what I saw. It was all fine. It’s super busy during tax season. I was commission-based plus I got a percentage of my sales. I didn’t think that much about it, but I ran it like a ship. It was a tight ship. Everything ran smoothly. I’m training and running everything at the same time. That’s the version that they saw me at work, Serious Sam. I work hard for the clients and serve many clients in a short period of time the best we can.

We had a staff meeting about two months in and I brought my husband along to our staff party and we’re at somebody’s house. My husband is freaking hilarious with the right people. He needs the right person for his wit and he’s a comedy show on wheels with the right person. I’m vibrant and he’s the quiet one. He sits quietly and people see the quiet him but when you get the right person, all of a sudden, he’s alive and he is on a roll and the whole room will be laughing because he’s so quick-witted and clever. Which is something I love about him. He’s so funny and can be funny.

Dr. Ayomide: He needs to get the right people.

Samantha: I didn’t think much about it until on Monday I came back to work and the whole office was weird with me. I was like, “What is going on?” Someone says to me, “We never saw that part of you. A guy that would be married to someone like you.” I was like, “What’s that supposed to mean?” It reminded me of CS Lewis. They saw me as a different person when he was around.

Dr. Ayomide: They knew you forever but they didn’t see that part.

Samantha: I’m bringing this up for a reason because it reminds me of this, which helps me. When I’m with a young adult and I’m mentoring them, I am a different person. I used to mentor young adults all the time for 2.5 years every week. It’s been a big part of my life for a long time. I love young adults. We meet in the air or something. Do you think I love these clients? I love young adults, 18 to 35-ish are my favorite people on the earth. I will put a hoodie on. I’m wearing different earrings. I hold myself slightly differently. I’ll sleep late. It’s probably the same thing. They would never in a million years even know that I was a tax accountant if I didn’t tell them.

Dr. Ayomide: Don’t worry. I’m working with kids in Nigeria to certainly get it. I wanted to get into character. It wasn’t hypocrisy because I thought about that one point, “Why am I different?” No, it’s me. It’s a different part of me. The truth is the people at work never saw that part of me that the kids saw. The kids didn’t see the worst part of me but they’re all me.

Samantha: They’re all versions of you. You were talking about your faith-based background. I see the four gospels like that too because people are like, “Why do we need four gospels?” You get four accounts. They’re all seeing the same events, many of them, but they’re reporting it differently from their perspective. Because you get to hear four perspectives, you get a much more well-rounded picture of different aspects of Jesus. It’s like when you go to a funeral, you have the father, the brothers and a coworker speak.

Dr. Ayomide: You thought you needed this person, but there were many sides to them. I love that so much at funerals. You know this person and what they all say are stories and you’d be like, “I did not know that did happen or that part of them was as rich as this.” This is the person you knew.

Samantha: Sometimes your friend is like, “I understand that person on so many more levels because of something I heard at the funeral.” I enjoy going to funerals because it helps me be a better friend to people because later on, I’m like, “I understand them a little more.” We try to cut ourselves apart. That’s the wrong thing to do. Coming to terms with the fact that when I’m around certain people, this is the version of me, I am. When I’m around these certain people, this is the version I am with me.

Something that I’ve learned is to pay attention to which one I like the best. When do I feel the happiest? This is a cultural thing I learned and I teach this to lots of young adults. I created a new method. When I went to Ecuador, I did some consulting in 2016 for two months with up to 30 ministry agents in Ecuador. When I came back, because of the contrast, I noticed which relationships in my life caused me agitation, which I didn’t notice before.

2 months Consulting in the Andes Mountains of Loja area, Ecuador (2016)
2 months Consulting in the Andes Mountains of Loja area, Ecuador (2016)

I knew subconsciously that I’m going to be raw here. I used to self-hate around certain people. I’d talk to somebody and they could be the nicest person in the world and I like them. I go into the bathroom and start talking to myself. I’d be like, “Samantha, why did you say that? That was so stupid. Do you not know how offensive that was? You should have talked about this? You should have been more sensitive about that.”

Women would put toilet paper under the stall and be like, “Do you need toilet paper, miss?” They hear me talking in the bathroom and I’d be like, “I was talking out loud.” When I came back, all of a sudden, I started to realize which people I was around the most. I was like, “This is not good,” because I was self-aware, I implemented a new little thing in my life and I call it the SAM Method. I have a different name but I call it the SAM Method. I’m going to choose five minutes. Anyone that I come away with liking myself after and doing any form of self-hating, I will spend no more than five minutes with that person.

I come to them. This is how I start. I smile because every interaction should start with a smile. I’m like, “It’s great to see you today,” and I genuinely mean it. I love people. Instead of asking an open-ended question, I make a personal comment, “I noticed that your son’s home from university this week. You must be super excited to have him home again.” They know I’m paying attention to their life by saying something specific but nothing that’s going to generate a long conversation. They’re like, “It’s good to have them home.” I’ll add something and I’m like, “It was great to see you again,” and I shift. That has made all the difference and a huge impact on my life.

What it has done is freed me for energy and mental space for positive relationships. The cool thing is the first week that I intentionally put this plan into place, I was at church talking to a woman, someone I used to self-hate every time I was around for some weird reason. She’s an amazing woman. I don’t know what was going on there. When I came back from Ecuador, I noticed it so I’m like, “I’m going to try this.” Instead of trying to prove myself for twenty minutes with her and self-hating for the next hour after, I did this method. I shifted over and I happened to look over in the lobby and there was this young girl with a baby in her hands. She looked like the deer in the headlight, out of place, nervous and agitated.

I walked over to her, introduced myself and started chatting with her. It turns out she was a teen mom, trying to raise her baby on her own. She has a Mormon background, which is interesting even more and this was the first time she’d come into our church. She was super nervous. I went over, we made friends and talked forever. He’s the cutest little guy. That turned into a relationship. We still connect every once in a while, and she’ll refer back to that and be like, “You have no idea what that meant that you had to come over and sit with me. I felt like I had a place.” I used to invite her to sit with me after on other Sundays. She comes in and sits with my family. Because I shut that one part of my life off that wasn’t serving, I was open to something beautiful. I wouldn’t have been, had I been forcing this other relationship.

Dr. Ayomide: The animal puts his hand on a jar to pick something up but they can’t take it out because it’s still clenched. If you take it out, then you can turn the thing around. It’s letting go of what you think you need to hold so you can have more stuff.

“Sometimes you just have to let of what you think you need to hold so that you can actually have more stuff. ” @DocAyomide via @SamanthaPostman Click To Tweet

Samantha: Becoming self-aware of the different versions of you and also the version you become around certain types of people or certain people, which leads us back to Facebook and Instagram. People come into our life because either we serve them where they are at that time or they serve us. Sometimes, it’s circumstances. We create a relationship based on the present then. Later, when we show a different version of ourselves, they may reject it. That’s the part that we struggle with because we’re like, “They rejected us.” They rejected another version of us that they hadn’t seen. It might not be that they don’t like it but this wasn’t what they agreed to in the relationship.

Dr. Ayomide: I like that. This would be a great tip. It’s not even a contract.

Samantha: This was an unsaid contract that I’m going to hold you until the day you die.

Dr. Ayomide: This is what we agreed to. I find that interesting because you’re so right. I’m thinking about it and I realize that with family. For instance, you might decide, “It’s fine. We’ll keep our relationship to X, Y, Z but it means you will never get to know the rest of me and so be it.” Clearly, you cannot accept more than that. There are times where we say, “Nope. If you can’t take that thing, you can’t get any of it.” I disagree because they would say, “If they can’t take any of it and they shouldn’t take it.” I’m like, “Nobody does that.” Even if you say that nobody does it. You definitely need to take everything to work. I hope you don’t. You can’t be everything everywhere with everyone and that’s normal. That’s fine. I’m thinking about how do we decide which is when? I suppose the one that hurts is when you think you can be everything with someone and you realize you can’t.

“You can't be everything everywhere with everyone and that's fine. ” @DocAyomide via @SamanthaPostman Click To Tweet

Samantha: That happens in marriage the most. That becomes the most pronounced and even when you were saying that’s not in the contract, the first thing I thought about is marriage.

Dr. Ayomide: Some close friendships weigh your thoughts. I could not even mention marriage. I feel like even in marriage, there are lots of people probably who don’t bring everything.

Samantha: I got married at twenty. I’m hardly the person I was when I was twenty. For someone to say, “You’re not the person I married and signed up for.”

Dr. Ayomide: Everybody gets married 2 or 3 times. If you’re lucky it’s the same person.

Well-Rounded Person: You can get married two or three times. If you’re lucky, it would be with the same person.

Samantha: When we go through big issues in our marriage, it’s often when we’re trying to wrestle through a shift and one of us and it’s like, “This isn’t what I signed up for and it wasn’t in the contract.” Even though the contract was to stay together no matter what, we have to refigure out how that relationship works. You reminded me of that when I got sick. I won’t be able to mentally go there much because I’ll probably flare if I get emotional.

When I got sick, I was incapacitated. I thought maybe I was going to die. Imagine third-degree burns. It’s that kind of level of pain. My entire body was like that 24 hours a day with a third-degree burn level. It was unbelievable. I couldn’t wash my own hair and couldn’t cut food. I had a young family to serve. We have a farm that requires meals brought out. It was the most horrifying thing and I never wished on my worst enemy. I had a large group of friends and I thought, “I’m the one who’s always been there helping people when they’re stuck. They’re going to come and be here.” They weren’t.

I had to go through a lot of soul searching. My family and my kids were crying at night wondering if I’m dying and if they’re going to lose their mom. On top of that, I’ve lost all the people I’ve invested with for many years. My husband too for his entire life since childhood. There’s a lot for us to handle. My illness was hard. It was almost the emotional stuff that was harder than the physical challenge. I felt rejected. I was like, “What is it about me that has no value?” This is me at that time. Why do they hate me so much that they wouldn’t help? How could they let us drown like this? They all know I went overboard on the ship but no one’s going to throw out a life jacket. They’re going to the other side of the ship and pretend that they don’t know what’s going on. I had to figure out the difference. I figured out what was going on in relationships and eventually, it came to this.

The world has takers and the world has givers. I’m a huge giver. It’s a little bit of a high for me sometimes when I was talking about taxes. I love giving to clients. I love helping them find tax breaks they didn’t expect. Givers need takers because if there are no takers, there are no givers. What I realized is our relationship was a giver-taker. They were givers along with the relationships, but in our particular relationship, they were the takers. When I no longer could give, that changed the contract and they were trying to figure out what that meant. It changed the way I have done relationships going forward. I always look for relationships that are going to be reciprocated, not always meant as a ministry-based but I’m like, “I need to see that the other person is going to make an effort and it reciprocates back because that’s a healthy relationship.” I’m creating healthy ones. It was my own fault too, I just didn’t know. It reminded me what we were talking about with why we show a certain part of ourselves and why I was afraid to. In this case, I had no choice but to be sick. It’s not like I chose to be the sick one.

Dr. Ayomide: I have this idea of the three kinds of relationships that we can have in terms of hierarchy. It’s mentors, mates and ministry. Mentors are people that are ahead of you. You give and you take more from them and that’s fine. Mate is more give and take. Ministry is you give more. I had two rough ideas that came from it. One is the most difficult thing. It’s when that changes and one person or at least one of both doesn’t realize that it’s changed. Your mind shifts to mentor and you’re like, “What?” The mentor doesn’t necessarily mean mentor. You’re mixed together but then they get into this position of power and suddenly you think you’re still mates. Maybe to them, you’re not mates anymore and you’re trying to release as mates. Why are you doing that or the other way around?

This happened to me as a kid. Someone who I thought I was mates with and something happened that put me in a different position. I realized that we couldn’t be mates anymore because, in his mind, I was superior. I was trying to relate as a mate but I realized I couldn’t relate as a mate so I had to let it go. Luckily, he got what I got and we became mates again, but that changed things for me generally. In my mind, it’s like, “I’ve been a mate for you.” I’m dependent on what’s going on in terms of external things.

The tricky one that upsets people is when you think someone is your mate but to them, you’re superior and they’re trying to receive from you. I realized that once you accept that relationship, it’s not give and take. You just give. It gives you peace. What that means is you don’t kill yourself for those people. You give when you can, even what you kill yourselves for are your mates, the ones that you mainly take from them so when you have a chance to give, you go all out. Why would I take from you? They’ve taken all the time. I’m not going to kill myself so you can take some more. You’ve taken so much and I feel like it’s useful. Another thing that’s tricky is when you’re meeting someone and they think you’re superior, but they don’t think you should be superior, and then jealousy sets in. I realized the only people who are ever jealous of you are those who think they are your mates. People who acknowledge you as a superior, for whatever reason, never get jealous. It’s like, “We are your superior or whatever. That’s your position and this is mine.” If you think that you’re mates and you’re superior, and they don’t think you should be, oh my goodness.

⬅️ Part 1: Conversations About Culture, the #MeTooMovement and Diversity With Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

➡️ Part 3: Drawing and Photography as Therapy With Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

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About Dr. Ayomide Adebayo

BP 5 | Culture, Mentorship And DiversityI’m a Nigerian expat in the UK, and I think and write about the dark side of being human, and how psychology, culture and faith shape us.

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